Datspace

So, after having tried to get my shoes from the customs office in Heidelberg Monday morning and waiting the better part of an hour for two people to go ahead of me, I left. I went back there this morning. Wow. What a pain.

I came in and said good morning and asked if the whatever-you-call-it customs woman spoke English. She does. Great. I said I had a package to pick up and gave her the letter I got in the mail, the receipt from the US, and my passport for ID. She told me to start filling out a form and she asked if I had an invoice. I said no, the package was sent from friends in the US and they didn’t mail me an invoice. She said “I don’t believe you” and pointed to where the checkbox said “merchandise.” I explained that I had ordered them online and had them sent to an address in the US because the company I ordered the shoes from didn’t ship internationally. So she asked where the order confirmation was. I hadn’t printed it off. It was sitting in my email. She told me to go home, print it, and come back. I asked if I could use a computer there. No.

The shoes were sitting there on her desk. She’d had me open the package in front of her and she laughed and said “these are shoes?!” Yes, thanks.

The guy in the office started thumbing through my passport like he was bored.

She asked why I didn’t bring the invoice with me and pointed to the one sentence in a two-page letter where it said to bring confirmation of the order if the goods are bought. I told her I don’t speak German. And she told me off for it. She pointed out that I’m living in Germany. “Why can’t you speak German? You’re in Germany.” I just looked at her. How does she know I’m not here for two weeks? Does she never travel? I hope she speaks fluent Everything Else. Otherwise she’s a hypocrite if she ever leaves the nation’s borders.

And anyway, really? A customs person? I don’t know what she’s expecting but customs is generally a pretty international service. Expect foreigners.

So I realized I can check email from my phone and asked if I could just show her the email order confirmation and she said no. Then I suggested that perhaps I could call my husband and he could forward her the email. She said ok and wrote down her email address. Excellent. Unfortunately, it was early and Mr. Husband was sleeping. No answer. I left the building in defeat.

Then I realized I can also forward emails from my phone so I came back to her office and forwarded the email. Apparently she’d had it with my lack of German language skills and had a nice guy in the office be our go-between.

I forwarded her the email. My shoes were on the desk. She was busy telling everyone in the office (in German, of course) how absurd it is to be expected to speak English and how rude it is that these foreigners come in to Germany without learning German. The guy was helping me with a form and doing the red tape stuff.

She told me to go wait in the hallway. I did. I could hear them inside. She was still soap-box ranting. For twenty minutes. Then the guy told me I could come back in and she sent me to someone else to pay the tax for customs. I paid the ten euros. It was like dealing with an automaton.

I brought her back the receipt and she handed me the package and only spoke in German, slamming the door in front of me after handing me the shoes with a cheerful “Tschuss!”

Look, Germany, you’re great. I like being here. I even took an intensive German course for a few months. I’d like to learn the language. I’ve been slow about it because I’ve been working and raising a kid. I’m still working on it. I can speak a little and understand quite a bit. Certainly enough to catch every single thing that obnoxious woman said. But don’t insult me for not being fluent in German. If I had to pick one language to know, I’d pick English. It is, after all, the international language.

This woman represents you, Germany. I suggest you hide her somewhere else. She’s not helping you.

And anyway, if us non-native Germans aren’t welcome here, don’t invite us. We’re scientists. We were asked to come here. There was even some competition to get us. I’m the demographic that comes to your country and makes it look good in the international science community. Everyone at work speaks English, even though most people there are German. It’s a requirement for being able to publish papers.

This woman… I guess all she had on me was the language thing. And she has a good point. I should learn German. I know that. I’ve been working on it. I’m slow. It’s not easy. I’m getting there. It’s not an excuse. I’m lazy about it too. So help me out. Be patient. I’ll interact in German, but be a little understanding. Go slow. Teach me words. I’ll be happy to learn them. But don’t insult me on the way.

Note: I asked the guy in the office why this package went through customs but other packages I’ve received didn’t. There are limits. For merchandise, the limit is 22 Euros. For gifts, the limit is 45 Euros. I strongly suggest that anyone sending gifts to Germany rounds down when valuing them. Avoid customs. Especially in Heidelberg. They included shipping costs in calculating the tax I paid. I’m not saying it was expensive. Just that it’s asinine.